Meet Ashley’s Neighbor
“Gawdammit, Ashley, if you don’t keep your fekkin ferret outta my trailer, I sweartagawd I’m gonna send it back in a casserole. I can do it, I’m a culinary student. I got the knives. I know how to skin things.”
Ashley’s Neighbor, Philanthropist
“Gawdammit Ashley, you owe me a hundred and fifty bucks cossa your fekkin ferrit. I took that guy I met at the bar to court to collect on when I paid for his brake job? And all I’ve got for proof for the judge is chewed up scaps of IOU!”
Ashley’s Neighbor Needs a Ride
“Ashley, I’m outta cigs, gawdammit, cosa your fekkin ferret, so git ovah here and drive me to the gas station… No, I don’t want any of your ultralights, can’t tasteum. I want my Newports, and your fekkin ferret ateum!”
Ashley’s Neighbor Needs a New Phone
“Ashley, I’m comin’ ovah there cause I needa use your phone. I put your number down so I can win Whitesnake tickets cause your fekkin ferrit pissed on my portable phone and now it’s not workin’!”
Ashley’s Neighbor does the Laundry
“Ashley, that guy is on his way over here and he wants his satin jacket back, and your fekkin ferrit pissed on it, but I got it out, mostly. And I sweartagawd that tube rat of yours ate off one of the snaps, too, and even that jerk’d notice that.”
Fine Dining with Ashley’s Neighbor
“Ashley, gawdammit, I was out smokin a Newport and your fekkin ferret ate my food! I had the leftoversa my perch basket I got the other day at MayBelle’s Diner on the table, and when I got in all that was left was a pile of shredded styrofoam box.”
Ashley’s Neighbor has a Brush with Greatness
“Ashley, your fekkin ferret got me fired from the gas station. Sheila E. came in! No! Sheila E., I sweah! Anyways, I was wearin my heavy jacket cos the bastard owner won’t put up the heat, and I reach inta my coat for a receipt to get her autograph and that hairy hosa yers bit me!”
Ashley’s Neighbor, Horticulturalist
“Ashley, I can’t come ovah, I gotta clean the breakfast nook, it’s fulla dirt cos that fekkin ferreta yours chewed through the macrame hanger and my spider plant’s pot broke on the floor! I swearagawd you’re gettin me a new one if it dies! That hanger was my great-aunt’s. It’s a family heirloom, gawdammit!”
Ashley’s Neighbor Tries to Make Nice, but not very hard
“Ashley, your fekkin ferret free later? I gotta borrow it ta chew up and then crap in the leather seats of my ex’s Iroc Z coza he’s down at the 5 O’Clock Dock and I saw him playin’ grabass with Darla.”
Ashley’s Neighbor, babysitter
“Ohhh… you’re ‘firstey,’ eh, kiddo? That’s cute. Well… let’s see what Aunty has in the old icebox for ya. Ahhh… here ya go, have some Barq’s, OK? You’ll like it, it’s got bite. Hey, hand me that lighter, won’tcha? And don’t forget to brush your teeth later or I’ll get in trouble with your dad… Hey! Quit being so hyper or I’ll smack ya one!”
Ashley’s Neighbor Deals with the Pain
“Ashley, I was up half the night coz yer fekkin ferret ate my Vicodin and my dry socket was killin me! And anyways, I was countin on havin extra for… well, I just was countin on it, OK?”
Ashley’s Neighbor and the Sharper Image
“Ashley, I went in with my sisters and little brother an we got a etched acrlyic block of wolves howling at the moon for my step-father, but yer fekkin ferrit ate my envelope with my share in it, and now my mom’s pissed. So I gotta stay over, K?”
Ashley’s Neighbor Punts
“Ashley, I got a infection under my big toe nail causa when I went to kick your fekkin ferrit offa my deck and it ran up my pant leg and I shook my foot and kicked a loose plank and got a splinter.”
Ashley’s Neighbor needed a snack, and now needs a lot of hot tea.
Mashley! Gawbammip! Mer ppfffekking ppfferret glued by mmmppretzels ta tha lllinolium!
Ashley’s Neighbor is an awful person in a world where everyone else is just trying to get by. The character arose on regular road trips driving through the dark of northern Michigan nights. She has no name, and lives in a world of magic which seems to her to be hostile to her personally.
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